At My New Round Table: Self-Love in the Garden

When you find a friend (or are lucky enough to find a partner in life) who can intuit things you need—emotional or otherwise—keep them close. Cherish them. Thank them. Honor that kind of magic in your life. Work to learn how to manifest it in return. As I continue to emerge from the most challenging personal development period of my life, I keep thinking about a few dear people who’ve held me up—even when I could barely stand—these last few years…

Best of all though, I’m learning to be that person for myself. I can think of no better act of self-love right now. It will be the gift that will keep giving as I work on self-trust.

[Cue happy tears and the music—Glass: Solo Piano, Philip Glass, (1989).]

So, the good news is that I’m feeling more like myself again. This process of peeling back the many layers has been exhausting—but I’m ok. Between long work hours, and strengthening my knee and leg—which means excessive sleep because of Hereditary Angioedema—life goes on.

The garden can wait a bit longer. It only receives what I have to give to it—and that’s not much currently. Things are quieter and calmer internally and I’m spending more time enjoying that inner peace. My free time is spent sitting, reading, and writing if I’m not sleeping. This weekend I will begin weeding again. Maybe by September things will be in order? Maybe not. I’m in no rush.

Hardly anyone is allowed to visit lol. That helps.

And while it sounds like things are slowing down around here, that’s not true at all. There are many other wonderful things happening that I can’t share here yet.

It just feels good to grow as a person after being stuck for years. Sharing all of this emotional stuff is just part of that process before I return to the task at hand: focussing on the plants.

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So when my good friend offered to bring me a beautiful 6 seat outdoor dining set—and this right after I broke down and bought the new laptop—I felt a change in the air. Maybe it’s time to get out the chainsaw on a stick, hire some more help, and radically makeover the back garden… slowly.

Edit, edit, edit. Let it go. Move on.

I keep talking about it, and I started some plant removal this week. It felt good, and it does look better already.

Plants—like many people—are not intended to stay in your life forever. Free yourself. There. I said it.

Last weekend my friend delivered the table, staying for a few days, seeing what my life is like here at home. We had some great conversations, spent time walking around the neighborhood in the evenings, and best of all, we laughed a lot.

The last 4 years have been wild for me in many ways and it’s time to explore new things, and find new challenges. I still laugh that I never had a plan beyond feeling better. I never expected to get this far, and yet, here I am! Surprise! Now what?

Well, I guess it’s time for me to sit at my nice table, in my comfortable chairs, and figure life out. Inviting close friends and family over too will mean a great deal to me. I enjoy nothing more than time spent at the table with loved ones.

I’ll also sit at the table with my laptop, channeling my friend Loree aka Danger Garden. I’ve long envied that she has such a nice space in her garden to sit in, so it was fun to have her over to see the table along with my school friend Rebecca while Jason was here. (Before they arrived, he and I walked a few blocks to get some pastries at Fressen Artisan Bakery.)

Once we were all settled out back, we went over design flaws I should fix, and I didn’t fall apart feeling overwhelmed. Another part of freeing myself is letting go of perfection, and even some expectations. I can do this. Even if I have to work on it slowly.

Edit. Edit. Edit.

If I can edit my internal world, the same can be done externally.

Change doesn’t have to happen right away. I can chip away at it, and hope that in time, my strength continues to improve. The weak hip, causing the knee problems, goes back to my first fall down the basement stairs, so while I feel kind of discouraged, I’m refusing to give up hope. I can alter the muscles over time, just as I’m flexing and learning so many new things right now.

Like how to really thank a handful of friends who knew exactly what I needed, when I needed it… Thank you.