(Featured image above: Ligularia japonica ‘Chinese Dragon’ introduced by Plant Delights from a 2005 seed collection by Hans Hansen in Sichuan, China. Seen recently at Secret Garden Growers.)
Little by little I’m coming back to the garden at home. I plan to be strategic, manage personal energy, hire help, ask for help when I need advice, and have already ordered a larger garbage can. I’m feeling thankful for the last few years, and am wildly determined.
I want results and I want them now, but “gradually” has become my go-to phrase recently as I’m about to go down the path of yet another medical journey—but I’m more excited about this one than I thought I’d be…
Not long ago someone described me as an unstable atom. I’ve spent time thinking about the truth in this and he’s correct. I have been extremely reactive, unpredictable, and unstable for years. Sometimes, I’ve even been a bit dangerous. But I’m dedicated now to the more positive side of this nature of mine. I AM high-energy, a transformative leader, and can be very dynamic.
Now is the time for me to accept that I’m unable to live in a fixed state of comfort or ease—something I’ve craved my entire adult life. Nothing, no relationship, no experience, has given me calm or contained me. It’s been for that reason I’ve always just wanted to be outside, with the plants, feral. But that reality can be very lonely—unless you find the right people.
Staying in the moment is helping me with all of this—and with the state of current affairs in general. I have daily moments where I can enjoy plants like the Billbergia nutans (dwarf form), Mt. Tabor Park in my neighborhood, and the planting combination of rosemary with Phlomis ‘Sunningdale Gold’ at my curb.
Accepting yet another diagnosis has been a quiet process for me during the last few months. Once again, it’s worse than anyone realized, and I ignored the signs and didn’t take care of myself. It’s my left knee, and I’m dealing with it now, but it was a warning too about requiring much needed change in my life.
I wore the much stronger knee brace at work yesterday and was laughing thinking, “You know it’s bad when you’re so much happier with a brace on.”
I woke up feeling all of the correct pain. I know this process well. It’s going to hurt like hell until I’ve strengthened the correct areas, but this is my fault for not prioritizing this—instead working on a career while nursing lots of self-pity engulfed in sadness. Body betrayal is real for long term chronic illness and I’ve experienced a type of dysmorphia from decades of it.
This whole knee experience has snapped me back to reality. My supportive inner friend circle has been great listening and nurturing. My eldest brother has even joined in which has been special. Self-destructive and self-sabatoging behavior is being curbed. I’m saying things that need to be said, and doing things that need to be done. Now I wait to see a surgeon, I take care of myself, and I go about my life for the next 6-12 months.
A lot of work has gone into my left leg since the first fall down the stairs in 2006. It’s time to get it back—and I will. This may mean sleeping 15 hours a day sometimes because my swelling will be set off by exercise, but that’s what the anabolic steroids are for lol.
Just ask any other doper. I’m probably the only horticulturist who dopes to work in horticulture, but anabolic steroids really do help you to repair quickly. Lemonade from lemons.
Work projects away from home have been exciting too. It was a thrill in March to accept the challenge of a year-long restoration of a former rock garden area at Lakewold, an opportunity that occurred by chance while Justin Henderson and I were talking about the status of this space at the Northwest Flower and Garden Festival. He asked if I thought I could do it, and it was kismet. I absolutely know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can—and will. It’s the perfect project for me.
Any downtime with this knee situation only means time I can sit with a computer and learn design software. I designed a few books back when I worked at the family media company, so am looking forward to learning more intimately what so many of my friends and colleagues do. Design!
After Justin and I walked around Lakewold, I headed one last time to Quilcene to stay with my *bestie* Jason at he and his husband Jochen’s cabin. They’re moving to Europe soon and while it makes me sad, I understand. Being part of this process with them has meant a lot to me.
(Here are a few photos of Jason and I from the Northwest Flower and Garden Festival over the last two years.)
Jason has had a lot to sort, toss, and pack, so I’ve been bringing home different gifts from my visits. This last trip I was given two cold frames to help get me back into what matters the most to me: seeds, selection, and propagation.
There is no real way to thank a friend like Jason (my brother by another mother) properly in public. These things are done privately, but he deserves a huge shout out right now.
We met years ago in Seattle after he’d changed careers to do garden design. While I call him my *bestie*, this is sort of a joke, I share him with many. He’s helped so much with events and the Northwest Horticultural Society over the years. He is an active member of our PNW gardening community, and many of us will miss him. (At least we can all visit Majorca, and thank goodness we can text and still message with him too.)
Multilingual, multi-talented, hilarious, and food motivated are just a few of the many ways I’d describe my friend. (Above: Floral work by Riz and two Sicilian dishes I cooked while staying there: caponata and arancini.) He and his husband Jochen have generously hosted me in Quilcene for the last few years after they sold their house in Seattle. This kindness has allowed me to do so many things, and for us to have horticultural shenanigans with other friends, and we’ve eaten our cake too. OMG how we love our Kaffee und Kuchen…
Jason has been a beacon of light, a kind of rock during the last 3 years or so, always mixing up the serious business of creating safety and trust with A LOT of fun. Real friends help calm your nervous system—at least for me. Jason helped to make this sometimes painfully clear.
I can hear his voice calmly and gently in my head right now saying “But Ann…” as he repeatedly coaxed me from troubled tears to smiles.
I will miss these visits so much, but we will have the memories. There was the time we were able to have Riz drive all the way to cook with us (bless them both for dealing with my allergies), and there have been the many snuggles with Stockton aka Stock. While a cat lady, I do sometimes fall for dogs, and Stock is my buddy. (Coco is far more into her daddies.)
With the cabin as a base these last few years, I’ve been able to spend time at both Heronswood and Windcliff. So many incredible memories have been made, and as we countdown the final months before departure, I look forward to visiting Jason and Jochen at their new temporary rental in Kingston.
Jason and I both have gone through a transformational period together with friends, and we’re ready for new beginnings. He leaves me stronger, smarter, happier and more open to being vulnerable to others who I allow to be close to me. For all of this, again, I’m appreciative.
I’m ready to spread my little chicken wings of independence lol. Look out world!!!
Returning home from the visit with Justin and then Jason, spring continued, and days passed by. My knee continued to irritate me, and I just waited to know more as I went from one appointment to the next.
Dealing with my own emotional regulation as I processed my feelings after these appointments took a lot out of me mentally and physically. Watching the ferns at work, and the team as we ramped up for spring, pleased me though. In that I found some comfort.
The boy gang of kitties started to go out to the garden again, I was wrapped up in the annual bloom of the Camellia japonica ‘Black Magic’, and I gave a fun talk to the Master Gardeners of Clackamas County (my home county) about seeds and seed propagation.
At the start of April it was time to get ready for Hortlandia. This was the first year in a long time where I wasn’t working at a participating nursery.
A few days before the event, water started to pour from the ceiling in the dining room—and my knee started to bother me more. I took a lot of deep breaths and kept telling myself it would be ok. As you can see here, it was not ok, but it was what it was…
I’ve wanted to get rid of the lowered ceiling to reveal and renovate the old plaster ceiling since I bought the house with my ex, so this was really a blessing. Can’t climb on ladders though with a bad knee, so, getting that fixed is good too. It’s all within my control.
And once the ceiling is gone, I can add this beauty to the living room. Bonus!
Luckily the tub was repaired quickly and I was able to participate in Hortlandia on Friday and Saturday evening—with my currently swollen plump feminine Rococo aesthetic-looking knees and legs properly hidden from view.
On Thursday I was able to see Loree, Gerhard and I finally met Max. You can read more about that here.
On Friday, I went to the preview of Hortlandia and left with only one begonia that I used to grow at Cistus Nursery. (Am working with hardy begonias again and am looking forward to reinvesting my free time into plants here at home as best as I can.)
Since I wasn’t sure what the growing season would be like, I decided to just spend time with the people I care about.
I can focus on the plants later—and hire more help. While I saw Jason Chen and Riz at the end of Friday night, I spent most of the evening walking around with either Jerry (Dr. Plant Death) or Alex aka The Botanist.
Saturday evening, I returned to Cistus Nursery for the after-party at Rancho Cistus after not having attended for several years.
It was surreal to sit in retail looking at ferns I’d help grow at Little Prince of Oregon. Further reflection came when I saw that a copy of the Spirited Garden was on the coffee table near the library of Sean’s books I used to spend so much time looking at in the basement at his old home in NE Portland. As a joke, I left it open to one of the photos of Felix and I. Over the years Sean lived at the old place, I met so many amazing horticultural folks, so many people who’d been included in books, or had written them, many of them are friends now, and this felt kind of full circle. It felt like closure. Thank you universe. I appreciate it.
Like a weird seedling Sean selected me years ago for a natural aptitude I didn’t realize I had. I joked with him about that during the party. Many others have nurtured and cultivated me. And now, here we are, years later. I’m old and far closer to specimen plant material now, buy that’s only if I take full ownership and care for myself. I think this is called growing up in my case. No one is coming to save me from any of what’s already happened.
I’ve done what I could with that part of my life, and am grateful to those others who plucked me from the weeds at various points to place me back safely facing the correct direction on the path. I seem to have set out on this journey while still not fully autonomous and I needed that help. Thank you. It has been one HELL of a journey, and it’s time for me to navigate a way forward on my own terms just a bit more.
Thankfully, in addition to work connections, I built friendships at school that mean a lot to me, and I’ve continued to reconnect with old friends and family. I’ve learned that for me transactional connections are not healthy, insincere praise is a deadly poison pill, and that I’m kind but not nice.
It’s important to not be naive too, and to enforce stronger boundaries dividing one’s public life from their private world—especially when you write a lot about yourself online lol.
So here’s to dreams and new adventures, good people who accept you as you are when you need it the most, and ignoring unsolicited advice and those who think they know better than you do.
Ann Loves Plants 
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